


back to december

by darkjinko



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:00:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27146983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkjinko/pseuds/darkjinko
Summary: Going back to that winter story, what if it had gone...completely different?
Relationships: Satou Mafuyu/Yoshida Yuuki
Comments: 15
Kudos: 41





	1. Spring.

April. Tuesday. 7:30 AM. I place my textbooks into my bag as I look outside my window. The sky looks a bit gray, which I find weird considering it’s supposed to be Spring. I slide my backpack over my shoulders, take my sweater in one hand, and open my bedroom door with the other. Before I could step out of my room, my foot gets tangled up in something. I look down and notice that my foot is stuck in my guitar case. I sigh out of annoyance and pick up the case, placing it behind my bedroom door. I take one glance at my guitar, which I could barely remember the last time I ever played, before walking out of the room and shutting the door behind me.

I arrive at the train station. As I wait for the train to arrive, I close my eyes for a few seconds. All the thoughts I’ve been pushing aside since I woke up are creeping into my mind little by little. I feel... lonely. No, no, I  _am_ lonely. Ever since—

“Hey, Yuki!” 

I open my eyes abruptly and look behind me at the source of the voice. Hiiragi runs to where I’m standing on the platform, and behind him is a tired Shizusumi who can’t match with Hiiragi’s quick steps. “Why didn’t you wait for me like we agreed?” Hiiragi says, and noticing from how breathless he is, he probably ran all the way to the train station.

“I didn’t...? Sorry, Hiiragi. I must’ve forgotten.”

“You forget everything lately.” Hiiragi sighs and takes a good look at his friend. “Where is your guitar? We have practice today.”

By then I was staring at my feet, Hiiragi knew I was lying when I said I forgot to wait for him. I couldn’t look him in the eye and lie. I can’t look at him now as I lie again. “Oh, sorry. I forgot that, too.” He knows I lied once again, but he doesn’t say it.

Shizu has caught up just in time for a quick exchange of Hello’s before the train arrived. Once we got on the train, I held onto one of the handles, resting my head over my arm, and closed my eyes again. Hiiragi thought I fell asleep, and just talked with Shizu the entire ride. Truth be told I wasn’t asleep, I just need some quiet, and their talking wasn’t helping. I love Hiiragi and Shizu. They are my best friends, and they’ve always been there for me. I can’t understand how I’m feeling most of the times, but I just... I just need some peace. I can’t tell if I needed external peace from my best friends’ constant talking, or internal peace from the ear-piercing and painful screams coming from within. I used to know everything, but not anymore.

“Eh, Yuki,” Shizu places a hand on my shoulder and I jolt up. He smiles a little and speaks with a gentle expression. “We’re here. And also, we’re going to be late.”

All three of us get off the train with Shizu and Hiiragi on my right as we walk. “Meh, we’ll run it, it’s not very far.” Hiiragi says in a pretty smug tone. Shizu looks at him very seriously and says, “It’s not but unless you want to slip and fall on your ass like yesterday, we’re walking.”

Hiiragi whines and complains about how he hates how  we always make him late, when in reality he takes too much time getting dressed that we’re always late. I tune into the conversation without talking myself, I just nod and smile from time to time. I stare up at the sky for a few moments before mumbling, “Why is the sky so gloomy today?”

“Huh?” says Hiiragi as both he and Shizu look at me curiously. “What are you talking about? The sky is pretty clear and bright today.”

“Too bright for my liking.” I could hear Shizu sigh after his comment because of Hiiragi’s yelling about how Shizu never likes anything. I look up at the sky once again, trying to see where’s the brightness I seem to have missed. We’re almost at the school gate when I bump into someone suddenly. I look to my left in time to catch a glimpse of the person, and I feel my breath caught in my lungs. 

Short strawberry blond hair. White shirt and pale brown sweater. A glimpse of bright honey brown eyes. Mindlessly, I reach out for the person and whisper, “Ma..Mafu–“

But before I could touch them, they turn around and stare right at me. It’s... not him. “I am sorry. I didn’t see you.”

In front of me stood a girl who is almost my age. Now that I could see clearly, I feel like I can breathe again. The air makes its way back to my lungs as I try to get the words out. “It’s okay. I am sorry. I... thought you were someone else.”

The girl nods and continues on her way. I turn back my way and look at Hiiragi and Shizu, whom stopped midway after, probably, realising I wasn’t behind them. I wonder if they heard.

The school day was as boring as I know it. I spent the lunch break asleep, and woke up in the last 5 minutes to steal a few chips from Hiiragi. Once the bell rang, I was up and out of the classroom. Partly ignoring my friends who were calling out for me because all I thought of was going home. I want to be alone. I never wanted to until lately. Because when I’m alone, I am not reminded of him. I can’t see him in random people. I can’t see him petting random stray cats. I can’t see him holding onto his backpack straps and smiling like a child. 

When I’m alone, it’s just me. Alone, lonely, and not haunted by his ghost. For now, this eases my feelings a little. Only a little is all I can get.


	2. Summer, pt.1.

June. Thursday. 6:35 PM. I mutter a few curse words under my breath as my two best-friends drag me along with them to the studio despite my bound-to-break plan about constantly ‘forgetting’ my guitar and my protests about going. Even when it’s been months since I had abandoned my guitar, they said they’ll just rent one from the studio for me. “Just one session,” they said but I have a strong feeling they didn’t actually mean just one.

Soon enough, we’re in our usual studio and I’m standing in front of the mic with the rental guitar in hand. Hiiragi and Shizu are setting up their instruments before we start practice.

“Yuki, what song do you want to play?” Hiiragi asks as he gets up from the floor with his guitar in hand. I came here against my will, so I don’t know why he thought I have a song to play. “Whatever.” I said, and although it came out as a mumble, Hiiragi still heard it.

He lets out a breath and stays quiet for a few moments. The silence is eventually broken by a Hiiragi attempt to be enthusiastic. He places a hand over my shoulder and pulls me back a little. He smiles at me with empathy pouring out of his eyes. “Let’s play a cover, okay? How about Come to Me? You love that song.”

_No ,  __Hiiragi_. I love the person I sang this song for. This was the first song I sang to him after we got together. I can still see this day clearly in my head as if it were yesterday.

* * *

“Hey, Yuki?” He said in that soft voice that I adored. I rolled over on my other side to look at him. He was sitting near the bed end with his legs crossed beneath him. Once our eyes met, his face broke into the sweetest smile as he spoke. “Can you sing me a song?”

I blinked a couple of times as I processed his words. I knew Mafuyu liked music, even if he’ll never say it clearly, but this was the first time he ever asked. I sat up on the bed opposite him and reached out for my guitar that’s resting by the wall. “Sure. What song do you want to hear?”

“Anything from you is good.”

My heart fluttered at his words. He wasn’t always aware of his words and their effect on me. I looked at him and smiled a little as a song came to my head. It reminded me of him. 

_ I'll be kind if you'll be faithful _

_ You be sweet and I'll be grateful _

_ Cover me with kisses dear _

_ Lighten up the atmosphere _

_ Keep me warm inside our bed _

_ I got dreams of you all through my head _

_ Fortune teller said I'd be free _

_ And that's the day you came to me _

By the time I finished, Mafuyu’s smile grew wider. He was smiling so much his eyes were squished together. That was my favourite smile. “Thank you, Yuki.”

“Meh, what kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t sing for you?”

“I don’t know. You are my first boyfriend.”

I chuckled at his words. The way he spoke so innocently and gently didn’t help my rapidly beating heart. I set the guitar back on the floor and dragged him gently by his leg. He looked startled at first but calmed when he realised what I was doing. I let him lie down on the bed as I lied on top of him. I propped up myself on my elbows before speaking, “Ready to be covered with kisses, dear?”

I didn’t give him the chance to answer before I leaned in and pressed kisses all over his face and neck, all while his warm laughter was filling up the room. 

* * *

I can still hear his laughter ringing in my ear when Hiiragi snaps me out of my memory. “So? Let’s do it?”

I don’t respond, and Hiiragi seemed to take my silence as agreement. He went back to his spot and started strumming his guitar strings, playing the first couple of notes from the song. I stood there, as quiet as ever, without letting out a breath even. I played that song when I was at my happiest. I liked starting practice with it because it gave me hope. This song brings me nothing but misery, now. I can feel my blood boiling. Why is he so persistent to push me over the edge? Why is he trying so hard to force me into going back to the way I was before? Why, why, why–

The first person to notice my uncomfortable silence was Shizu because he let go of his drum sticks and placed them carefully on the drum set. Hiiragi was still oblivious to the elephant in the room, but he stops playing as soon as Shizu gets up from his seat.

“Yuki?” I feel Shizu approaching me, but before he could say another word, I quickly got the guitar off my shoulders and put it aside. I went ahead to grab my backpack but Hiiragi manages to grab my shoulder and hold me back.

“Yuki, stop! Just talk to us before you storm out!”

“Why can’t you just mind your own business?! I didn’t want to come to practice, you dragged me here, and now this?!”

“This what? You’re not making any sense!”

“Don’t you dare act like you don’t know, Kashima.”

Hiiragi steps back a little, taking in the anger in my voice and eyes. His face immediately changes as realisation strikes him. “Shit– Shit, Yuki, I’m so sorry. I really didn’t mean that at all. I just– I just wanted to cheer you up. I swear.”

“Well, you didn’t.”

Shizu stands between the two of us, looking from me to Hiiragi. I would think he doesn’t know what we’re talking about, but his silence gives away that he does know. He walks in between us and grabs my backpack, handing it to me. “Let’s just go home.” 

I didn’t want to stick around more. I knew if I stayed, I’d say something I’ll regret. I grabbed my backpack and handed Hiiragi my share of the studio money before I walked out of there as quickly as I could. They didn’t call after me because they knew I wouldn’t wait for them either way.

And that was the first crack in our friendship.


	3. Summer, pt.2.

July. Friday. 8:40 PM. It’s been a month since my first outburst with Hiiragi and Shizusumi. The first day after the fight was difficult, filled with awkward silence and unanswered questions. The days went by and the silence grew stronger to the point we had nothing to hold a conversation over. I stopped waiting for them at the train station. They stopped trying to get me to go anywhere with them. By the end of the week, we stopped seeing each other altogether. Although Hiiragi lives right next door, I stopped seeing him. Maybe it’s because I don’t go out anymore, or maybe it’s because I’m a horrible friend.

Maybe being a horrible friend led me to stand all alone in a crowded room at a venue to watch local bands play because I just needed to feel something — anything at all. Maybe if I wasn’t a disaster walking on legs, I would’ve called my two best friends and asked them to join me. Maybe... Maybe if I could, I would ask for help.  _I can’t._

I am cut off my train of thoughts when I accidentally bump into someone. They manage to spill the entire contents of their drink on my t-shirt. Before I turned around to see who it was, I can already hear them muttering every curse they could think of at super speed. “I am  _so_ , _so_ sorry. I– Uh– I really didn’t–“

“It’s fine. It’s nothing.” I finally saw the face of this person. Long honey blond hair put up in a ponytail. Nervous amber eyes staring right at me. This guy looks older than me.

“I really didn’t mean–“

“I swear, it’s fine. I can always wash it.”

The guy chuckles nervously and scratches his neck. “Yeah, it seems cotton so I’d suggest washing it with — Wait, why am I rambling about laundry to a stranger? Oh God, I’m so–“ I tune out the rest of his mumbling as an unpleasant memory comes to my mind.

_ “Hey, Yuki. Surprise!” Mafuyu smiles and holds out a black AC/DC t-shirt. “You said that you really like them, and you deserve something to cheer you up after this week.” _

I shake my head to get rid of the memory that was creeping into my mind. That damned smile. “Yeah. I’ll keep in mind your... laundry tips. Seems to me like you’re the responsible kind of adults, eh?”

“That is kind of true, yeah.” The guy smiles friendly and extends a hand. “I am Nakayama Haruki.” I don’t want to be rude to a nice random stranger, so I shake his hand.  “Yoshida Yuki. Nice to meet you, Nakayama.”

“Oh, please, call me Haru–“

“Hey, Haruki!” 

Our conversation is cut off by a voice. Soon, we’re joined by two other guys who seem to know Haruki. One of them is tall and kind of intimidating. Light blond hair, green eyes, and looks like he’s the same age as Haruki. The other one looks more on the young side, probably my age. Jet black hair and blue eyes with an uneasy face expression. He wasn’t intimidating, but he looks like his mind is somewhere else.

Haruki turns to greet them with a smile. “Akihiko, Ue, this is Yoshida Yuki. Yoshida, these are my friends and bandmates. Kaji Akihiko and Uenoyama Ritsuka.”

“Oh, hi.” says the guy Haruki referred to as Uenoyama. The other guy, Kaji, just smiled and nodded before switching his attention to Haruki. “Why is your cup empty?”

“Oh, I accidentally spilled it over Yoshida here. Totally my fault.” Haruki laughs nervously before Kaji drops his arm over his shoulder and smirk. “Well, shouldn’t you apologise to young Yoshida over here by getting him and me a free drink? Pretty idiot, where are your manners?”

I interject for a minute, "Uh, actually, I don't drink-"

“Yeah, I was just — Hey, why should I get _you_ a drink, Kaji?!”

“Come on, let’s refill our cups. You’re paying.”

“No, I’m not. Hands off, harasser!” Haruki pokes Kaji’s shoulder as Kaji continues to drag him to the bar while laughing to annoy him.

Now I’m left alone with the quiet detached dude. Great. “What did you say your name was again?”

“Yoshida Yuki.”

“Ah.” He looks at his empty cup for a few seconds then looks back at me once again. “So, which band did you come to see? Do you know any of them?”

“Uh, no, actually. I just thought it’d be fun to come.”

“Eh, that’s cool. We came with Haruki because he wanted to support his friend. The– Uh, the guy with glasses in the opening band?”

“Yeah, I remember him. They were good.”

“Yeah.” Uenoyama’s lips turn into a small smile then he’s back to his blank expression almost immediately. This guy is seriously questionable.

We stand in silence for the next few minutes. Unable to take the awkward silence any longer, I ask him a question. “Haruki said you two are bandmates.”

“Oh yeah, we are!” That caught his attention. “Haruki, Kaji, and I are in a band called The Seasons. We’re an instrumental band, so far. You probably haven’t heard of us.”

“Yeah, I haven’t. Will you guys be playing any time soon?”

Uenoyama shrugs, looking uninterested. “I don’t know. Don’t really care about the whole deal anymore.” That sounds... depressing, and kind of relatable. I am now intrigued to why he’s feeling that way about his music. Before I could ask him why, he turns to me and asks, “Are you in a band, Yoshida?”

_ Yes. _

“Uh, no.” 

_ Why did I feel the need to lie? _

“Ahh, bummer. You do look like a music guy.” 

_ I am a music guy. _

“Maybe it’s just the looks. Definitely not into music.”

_ Stop fucking lying, Yuki. _

“Yeah, maybe I’m wrong.”

I take a deep breath, processing my choices. I have never felt the need to lie to a stranger unless I felt creeped out by them. I never felt the need to hide myself and my music. Why am I so fucked up? Why, why, why —  _No. Stop. Focus._

“Hey, Uenoyama,” he turns and looks at me. He is fully-focused, I can’t change my mind now. Here it goes; intruding people’s privacies. “Why do you not care about music anymore?”

He looks at me puzzled, and I get a strange feeling in my stomach. I already feel as if I won’t like his answer, but I had to ask. Maybe his answer would help me figure out my own dilemma.

“Eh, never thought of it. I don’t know.”

As I guessed, I didn’t like his answer, and it was nowhere near helpful. Why did I even bother asking? I am a mess unfolding, and I need to go home soon.

* * *

I really love the night time. The weather is much better outside the venue. The light breeze on my skin feels refreshing. The event ended 10 minutes ago, and I am heading back home. I check the time on my phone and notice a couple of messages from Hiiragi and one from my mom.

** Mom **

Hi, honey. How was the show? Are you coming home soon? Don’t keep me worried. :)

**Hiiragi 🎸**

hey man

are you home?

just talked to your mom, you are not home

where are you?

can we meet up?

really need to talk

just text me back

please

I text my mom that I’m on my way home. I keep staring at Hiiragi’s messages for a few moments, contemplating whether I want to meet up or not. He is my best friend. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to lose him. I have lost too much already, and I can’t lose Hiiragi, too. When I begin to type, I get cut off by a voice calling my name.

“Hey, Yoshida! Are you going home?”

I look behind me and I see Uenoyama, Haruki, and Kaji standing together. Kaji looks tired as he rests his head over Haruki’s shoulder, while Haruki pokes Kaji’s nose with his car key. “Uh, yeah. I’ll just walk to the train station.”

“Do you mind if I walk with you? I’m going home, too.” Uenoyama approaches me with a smile as soon as I nod in agreement. I look back at my phone and text Hiiragi ‘sure, meet tomorrow at the playground.’ before shoving my phone back in my pocket. We say goodbye to Haruki and Kaji before we make our way to the train station.

For the first 5 minutes of our walk, we both are completely silent. I feel like I have built up too much awkward tension that I can’t even speak. I want to ask why did he want to walk home with a stranger he talked to for a total of 3 minutes than to ask for a ride from his bandmates. 

“You’re really not gonna even ask why I asked to walk with you? God, you’re as weird as I thought.” Uenoyama blurts out. The amount of filter this guy has is close to none.

“I was just about to ask that, but I was too busy thinking you’re too weird to walk home with a complete stranger instead of your friends.” I look at him and smile slyly, and he laughs. This dude is officially out of his mind. He looks ahead of him and puts his hands in his pockets to complete his tough cool guy persona.

“I thought you were okay, and my friends had other places to be. So, go home alone or annoy a random stranger to death for fun?”

“Have you ever been told to shut up?” 

Uenoyama shakes his head ‘no’ as he chuckles. I can feel a genuine smile forcing itself on my face. I can’t remember the last time I smiled. Before I knew it, the draining sadness leeches onto me once again, and I grow silent once again. Uenoyama doesn’t seem to notice a difference as he goes on with the conversation.

“I thought about what you asked,” he starts. I look at him with full curiosity. “I never thought about it because I tried to ignore the truth that I lost my passion for the one thing that really kept me going. When you asked me, I still didn’t want to admit it, but I feel like you can somehow understand it.”

He looks at me and smiles with some sort of an empathetic look. Did he not believe me when I said I’m not into music? “You say you’re not into music, so you probably won’t understand my perspective, but I can tell you have your own deal going on. It’s not like I fully gave up on music, but I still need to find my love for music again. I feel like I need to find a reason to keep going on, you know?”

_ A reason to keep going on. What possible reason could I ever find now that he’s gone? Stupid Yuki. You tried finding hope and all you got was a reminder of what you already know. _

“Yeah, I know.” I try to force a genuinely friendly smile on my face, but I feel that I look like a teeth-less shark smiling. “You’re still a weird dude, though. And I am saying it with full offense.”

“God, you’re such an asshole. Do you even have any friends, man?”

“Can’t snitch to a weird stranger, buddy.”

“Shut up, you’re the weird one, Yoshida.”

What he said came true, he actually annoyed a total stranger for the entire train ride back home, but I also gained a new friend. This is the first time I’ve gone back home actually, somehow, happy.


	4. Autumn.

September. 11:45 am. I stare at my phone that’s in my hand in silence as it continues to ring for the second time. I stare at Hiiragi’s name as it pops up on my screen for the third time. Hiiragi has been my best friend since I was a child, and he knows me too well to know when I’m falling apart. The reason for his persistence calling is because I didn’t meet up with him when I agreed to a few months ago. I woke up that morning, and I couldn’t get out of bed. I haven’t been able to get out of bed easily anymore, and my mother usually has to drag me out. I am a horrible person, I know that. 

I press the phone to my ear once I click ‘answer.’ Hiiragi’s voice is as calm as ever when he says, “Get up and meet me at the playground, or I’ll get up there and drag you out myself, Yuki.” 

I walk over to my window and see him standing down there, a hand placed over his hip with the other pressing his phone to his ear. I hold up one finger to tell him to give me a moment. I grab a sweater on my way out and slip into my shoes, then head out. We walk in silence till we get to the playground. It was too early so it was completely empty. This playground holds many memories in both of our hearts because this is where the four of us spent most of our childhood. 

Hiiragi takes a place on one of the benches and stares up at me. His expression is unreadable but I know he’s mad at me. After everything I’ve put him through, he must be furious with me. He— “I’m sorry, Yuki.” Is... apologising?

“What... are  you  apol–“

“Please, let me talk first.”

He takes a deep breath and continues. “I am sorry for abandoning you when you needed me most, Yuki. I’m sorry I didn’t reach out to you until it was too late. Until you probably hated me for leaving you.” He pauses for a few moments then speaks once again. “You can be angry with me all you want, I deserve it. When you told me about you and Mafuyu, or more like when I involuntarily found out, I thought this would be the end of our friendship all of us. I said nothing but I knew you could feel my silent disapproval, and I’m sorry about that.”

He pauses for a bit longer this time, and I realise he’s trying to hold his calmness together. “Mafuyu was my best friend, too, Yuki. I miss him more than you possibly think. I know I can’t imagine your pain, but I can’t handle seeing you like this. So please, talk to me. I don’t want to lose my only best friend. Tell me what I can do to help.”

I let go of my breath that I’ve been holding onto for so long. I take a seat next to him and look down at my hands. “That’s the thing. Everyone is saying he’s dead to help themselves move on. To me, he’s still alive. I can still see him, hear him. I can still smell his scent, and hear his laugh. His tears the day we fought... and the morning I found him... they never leave my mind. I can never forgive myself. You can’t understand how I feel. No one will ever understand how I feel.” I can feel Hiiragi placing his arm around me, and I begin to realise that I have been crying the whole time.

Hiiragi squeezes my shoulder a bit to get me to look at him. I wipe my eyes clean before I look at him. His expression is filled with both sadness and empathy. “I am trying to understand. I’m here for you.” A few tears fall from my eyes again as Hiiragi pulls me in for a hug. I rest my chin on his shoulder and close my eyes while he tries to comfort me. “You don’t have to go through this alone, buddy.”

“Thank you, Hiiragi.”

We sat in silence for a couple of minutes before Hiiragi got up and asked if I felt like going out with him and Shizu. We just had lunch together, then sat in a coffee shop for a few hours before we all walked home together. I hadn’t realised how much I missed this feeling of comfort until they both went home, and I was left alone once again.

_ You don’t have to go through this alone _ . Hiiragi’s words rang through my head the entire day. Maybe asking for help wasn’t such a bad idea, after all.


	5. Winter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen to back to december by taylor swift for more effect! ♡

February. 4:50 am. I grab my keys and head out. My mother is still asleep, so I’m hoping she doesn’t notice that I’m gone. I shouldn’t be up this early on a Saturday let alone be outside at this hour. The bus ride is quiet as there is literally no one but me and the driver. Staring at the clear and quiet roads in the early morning is somehow soothing. My head was flooding with thoughts a minute ago but now, I feel like my head has never been more clear than it does in this moment of time. I should’ve done this a long time ago. Maybe it got delayed so I can go on this day of all days... Mafuyu’s birthday.

I arrive at the beach at 5:13. The sun is barely breaking through the dark night sky. The high ocean waves crash into the shore, and the smell of the saltwater and the sand overwhelm my senses. Being here today doesn’t feel the same as it felt when I was here last year. It feels colder despite the weather getting a bit warmer since we’re approaching Spring. All other feelings subside the moment I close my eyes and focus. I can see him standing right in front of me so clearly. He’s standing still with his back to the ocean, smiling warmly, and silently waiting.

“Mafuyu...” I can’t find my voice, so this barely comes out as a whisper. The minute I open my eyes a few tears slip down my cheeks. Despite having my eyes open, I can still see Mafuyu standing in front of me. This time he doesn’t have his smile that I love on his face. Instead, his face is pale as if he’d seen a ghost, and his expression is numb with tears silently rolling down his cheeks.

_ “No, please don’t go! ... Please, please, stay. I can’t lose you.” _

_ “Just shut up!”  _

I close my eyes as the memory floods my mind; the only memory I had replaying through my mind for the past year all the time. December 16th was the last day I ever saw Mafuyu. 

When I recall a memory, I experience it from a first-person perspective. I can feel and see the entire memory as though I am reliving that exact moment once again. In this memory or much rather nightmare, I see it over and over again playing in front of me. I can see the argument unfolding away in front of me, me and Mafuyu yelling at each other, and I just stand there unable to move or change what happened and watch it happening over and over again.

“Are you serious?” Mafuyu asked with a hurt expression on his face. “You promised me we’d spend the whole day together, Yuki. This is not fair.”

“I am too busy for this, Mafuyu. Another time, okay?” I reached out to put my hand over Mafuyu’s shoulder, but he slapped my hand away before I did. “What the-“

“No, you promised me. Why do you always do this?”

“Always do what? I told you I’m busy. We’ll go out another time.”

“You’re the one who asked me out and–“

“And now I’m too busy to go out. End of story. Jesus. What’s up with you, Mafuyu?”

“W-What’s...” Mafuyu’s face completely fell by that point and I now know he was on the edge of snapping at this point. “If you could just give me 5 minutes of your precious time, _maybe you’d know!_ ”

I sighed in annoyance and turned around to leave as I said, “I don’t have the time for this. I’ll talk to you later.” Before I could leave, Mafuyu held onto my arm tightly to prevent me from leaving. His tears were overflowing out of his eyes but he still managed to look up at me, begging me to stay.

“No, please don’t go! I’m sorry, Yuki. I’m sorry. Please, please, stay. I swear I’m sorry... Don’t leave me.”

The me who I am right now would’ve dropped all his commitments and just hugged him. But the me who stood in front of Mafuyu that night didn’t know how much he had to lose. 

“ _Oh my God_ , just shut up! Leave me alone, Mafuyu, I can’t deal with this! Just go home and I’ll talk with you later!”

Once those words came out of my mouth, Mafuyu’s expression went numb and unreadable. And as if it is hearable, I could hear Mafuyu’s heartstrings break. This was the last time I ever heard his voice because two days later, I was the one who found him in his room.

The flashback ends and leaves me in tears. I hold onto Mafuyu’s scarf that I had wrapped around my neck because it was the last thing of his that I had. “I’m sorry, Mafuyu. I am–“ I wipe my eyes with my sleeves and take in a deep breath. “Please, forgive me. I never... I never meant any of the words I said. I never wanted you to leave me. I..” I suck in a breath and let it out. “I never imagined you’d leave and... I don’t know why this makes me angry. I don’t know why I’m so mad at you when I know it’s all my fault. I should’ve been there for you, and I wasn’t. A-and...” The tears fall down my face once again, and my heart hurts too much for me to get out another word but I need to. “And I can never forgive myself. I a-am so, so sorry, Mafuyu.”

After a few moments of trying to steady my breath and my pained heartbeats, I wipe my eyes dry once more and look ahead of me. My heart breaks all over again when I realise I can’t see Mafuyu anymore. I take in a deep breath and let it go. “I miss you so much. I’ll carry you with me, for as long as I live. I promise you.” 

I take out the little box I had in my pocket and open it. I take out the necklace that has been sitting there for over a year and hold it up to my face. A year ago, I saved up a little of the cash I made from my part-time jobs to buy Mafuyu something really special for his birthday. He wasn’t actually interested in anything, and while gifting him as a friend was tricky, I had no idea what to get him as his boyfriend. Then one day, I saw that necklace in a jewelry store on my way home from a delivering job nearby and it felt right. I could see this little quaver necklace wrapped around his neck, symbolising a thing we both love even if Mafuyu never admitted it; music.

I place the necklace around my neck and close it. I adjust the necklace a bit then look ahead of me. I still can’t see him, but I can somehow feel his presence watching over me.

_ “Until we meet again... Happy birthday, angel.” _


End file.
